Miriam Grogan, CPCC, ORSCC
A Guest Blog Post by Executive Coach Miriam Grogan
Does anyone like having difficult conversations? After all, difficult conversations are, by definition, difficult. (Sharing uplifting, positive messages with employees also seems to be difficult for most people, but that’s another topic.)
We may know something is wrong. We may be able to define it and why we need to address it. But ask “what do you want to be different?” and you’re likely to be met with a blank stare and long silence.
Three sub-questions can help you shape what you want to say.
After the conversation, what do you want the other person to
- KNOW?
- DO?
- FEEL?
What do you want them to KNOW?
Sometimes, this is the easiest of the three, as answer is often written down somewhere, in a company policy or job description. “Our workday begins at 9:00.” “We’ve reassigned the taking the checks to the bank from Jane to you.”
That said, this question can be difficult to answer, if what you want the listener to KNOW involves the impact on others. “You have a lot of good things to say. But you say so much, people are tuning out everything. Your good ideas are getting lost.”
What you want your listener to KNOW is a critical building block for framing a conversation.
What do you want them to DO?
What action do you want the person to take as a result of the conversation? What do you want to start, stop, increase or decrease?
“Our workday begins at 9:00” may be important to know. But it doesn’t necessarily lead to an on time arrival. “Please make sure you’re at your desk ready to go, coffee cup filled, good mornings completed, by 9:00” has a better chance.
In the second example, only pointing out what the too-talkative employee is doing wrong leaves her hanging. (She might even talk more because now she’s self-conscious and doesn’t know what else to do!) Give her something to do. Consider, “When John asks a question in our staff meeting, count to three before saying anything. See if anyone else has an answer before you jump in.”
How do you want them to FEEL?
This is often the hard one. The good news is, you often don’t need to, or even want to, articulate a response to this question. But you cannot skip over answering it for yourself. In Difficult Conversations, Stone, Patton and Heen write, “difficult conversations do not just involve feelings, they are at their very core about feelings.” There’s no substantive conversation if you skip over the very core.
How do you want the person to feel? Sorry? Inspired? Appreciation for the gravity of the situation? You may or may not say it explicitly, and the person may or may not feel the way you hope they will, but choosing a “feeling outcome” will influence the conversation as much, if not more, than your words.
Using the examples above, let’s say you, the supervisor, want the person to feel
1. On notice!! You are sick of this behavior. If it doesn’t stop – NOW – they’re cooked.
2. Inspired. You like this person, want to see them fix the problem and soar.
Read the sample sentences out loud from each “feeling.” Different, eh?
Know, do, feel. Clarifying what you want may not make the conversation easy, but chances are it will be less difficult.
To find out more about Miriam Grogan and her work, visit: http://www.stellarcoaching.com/pages/about.htm
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